Crisis triggered. Seems to be my life story. I started blogging during the last crisis which was exactly 11 yrs ago after a bad fall.
Now this crisis is deeper. After being diagnosed with the dreaded C last friday. My days have been a daze, doctors' visits, seeking 2nd, 3rd opinions, alternate treatments. Reaching out to those closest to me, if not for them, i think i wld not have been able to progress daily. Did being able to say the C word helped? Dont know. Seeking spiritual help and support. Resorting to prayers, trying desperately to seek answers to calm my mind.
Am i afraid to die? You bet, but we all live to die one day, its only a matter of when. Questioning what did i not do right? How the heck did i get this? Realising and accepting its part of my negative karma. Reading, listening to lots of You Tube vidoes, slowly accepting that the C illness is a symptom that its time to wake up, take charge and fix my life. Hopos copus, am i trying to kid myself?
My closest friends shocked, devastated. The biggest disclosure is yet to come, i have not informed my mother - tossing between telling half a truth to the full truth. I think i will tell the whole truth, because i wouldnt want her to "beat herself up" on it, blaming herself for not having taken care of me enough.
Next week is a game of challenge, deciding on the best treatment options. Will my thoughts be as chaotic as this week?
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